Was Jesus a Zombie?

I’m sorry God, but I don’t buy into the whole Jesus resurrection thing. It seems utterly incomprehensible. The laws of nature have never been suspended in any circumstance in human history. I know Jesus’ death and resurrection story is the crux of modern Christianity but that doesn’t make it a real historical event. Jesus’ era was one of oral traditions; things weren’t written down until decades after his death. That provided time for Jesus’ tale to improve to the point of deification. There is no historical evidence to support Jesus’ zombie storyline. Theological importance: yes. Historical evidence: no.

There were other figures in antiquity who society have claimed were resurrected. We have Heracles who was fathered by a god to a mortal woman, eventually died and taken up to the afterlife where he became a deity. Sounds familiar. Dionysus was also born to a mortal woman by a god and was believed to have been the rebirth of Zagreus. Adonis was a mortal who died and was resurrected, achieving immortality, and his name means “lord.” If Christians are going to believe in Jesus’ resurrection, I’d consider they should give credence to these other claims too rather than dismissing them as merely mythological.

Let’s address some of the standard Christian arguments I’ve heard over the years.

Firstly, the bible tells us that he died for three days and then people saw him alive. Did Jesus die on a Friday morning or a Friday afternoon because the bible varies on that detail. Additionally, dying on a Friday afternoon and returning during the wee hours of Sunday morning isn’t really three days now, is it? Did Jesus die the day of, before, or after the Passover Feast because the bible muddles that detail too. There is the story of the tomb being empty with some women seeing that the entrance stone has been rolled away and a guy told them Jesus wasn’t there. Or was it an angel that told them? Or was it two guys? And did the women run away and tell nobody? Well, that depends on which gospel you read. I’d also suggest that finding an empty grave doesn’t mean there’s been a reanimation of a corpse. Whose mind automatically makes that peculiar link?! But people said they saw Jesus after he was dead. Really? Who exactly were the eyewitnesses to Jesus wandering around after death? It was Paul who wrote of people having seen Jesus after his death. Paul said that Jesus had appeared to Peter. It was Paul who said Jesus appeared to the other disciples. It was Paul who said Jesus turned up to a group of five hundred. All hearsay. Then Paul claimed he was the most recent person to encounter the risen Jesus after seeing him while he was walking along a road. A big problem with his tale is that Paul had never actually met the living Jesus so it’s a difficult claim for him to make. Paul didn’t even know what Jesus looked like! I wouldn’t consider that Paul is a reliable eyewitness.

Secondly, Jesus was special so he was handled in a special way. The point was, however, that Jesus wasn’t considered special by most people in the society of his day, and certainly not by his Roman punishers. There is no good reason that Jesus’ body would have been removed from the cross and treated differently. Apparently, he was hung between two criminals, so he would’ve been considered as worthy of a slow death as the two of them. Jesus’ body would not have received any special dispensation over and above any other crucified person. There isn’t much ancient discussion on the major features of crucifixions, but there are some matters about capital punishment that we can garner from history.  Public executions were a mode of deterrence for would-be criminals and this practice was also an ongoing reminder of consequences. How exactly was it an ongoing reminder? By leaving bodies and severed heads out to rot and be consumed by nature’s scavengers. Dead bodies would have been left on a piece of vertical timber (not necessarily the claimed “cross” frame) for days and days. Is it feasible that one dead guy, considered to have committed crimes against the state, was taken down and tucked neatly away in a protected tomb on their day of crucifixion? Um…no, that is not really feasible.

Thirdly, the bible tells us so it must be true. Who wrote the gospels - Matthew, Mark, Luke and John – to which the resurrection story of Jesus is attributed? Nobody knows the answer to that and these four names may have been the scribes’ names. Scholars generally believe these books were written anonymously with the names Matthew, Mark, Luke and John being pseudonyms. Don’t forget that the titles of these bible books are “The Gospel According to Matthew”, “The Gospel According to Mark”, “The Gospel According to Luke”, “The Gospel According to John.” They were also written decades after Jesus’ death and after Paul had written his influential thoughts down. The New Testament is not published in chronological order. The bible has not been proven to be historically accurate and can’t be realistically be used to verify nature’s laws being overturned.

Over the years there are countless people with stories of seeing dead people. The ghostly sector even creates a wage for some. I know several people who claim to have seen their loved ones despite the fact these people were well and truly deceased, and I have no reason to disbelieve them. Were they witnessing reanimated bodies of the dead? No, I’ve never heard that described. There are thousands of people who swear Mary, mother of Jesus, has appeared to them. Was she resurrected too?

So, consider what’s most likely. Were the laws of nature disbanded to allow the occasional person to embody their corpse and wander around as a zombie before eventually traipsing up to the sky? I don’t think so. It’s more likely the timelapse between written documentation of Jesus’ death provided enough time for things to be somewhat embellished. We all know of fishing yarns and how the fish that was caught becomes bigger and bigger every time the story is told. Exaggeration equals entertainment. There’s nothing wrong with that if people recognise and understand the embellishment. Christians must differentiate their theology from historical fact. A story doesn’t have to be true to have a profound effect on a life. Jesus knew that; hence, his lessons were told as allegory by way of parables. Christians would do well to cease their “Christ has risen” mantra and just start living in a way where Christ’s lessons can be seen living through them.